I love you with all my heart. It has almost been four years since I welcomed you into my life.
It was not how I had imagined it to be. I was single, just done with college, no real job. In fact when I found out i was expecting you I was terrified. I was terrified I could not be the mother you needed me to be. I was even more terrified at the idea of giving you up for adoption, and so i knew no matter what I had to make it work.
I saw the doctor, and did all the health stuff I knew I was suppose to, but I didn’t tell my family. I told only a few selected friends, and lived in terror of what everyone else would say and do. I feared they’d leave me too.
Your father wasn’t ready to be a daddy. He left when i told him you were inside of me. I didn’t have his support would anyone else support me?
Then I couldn’t hide it anymore, and not only did everyone embrace your coming with excitement, they surrounded me with love. Not just family, but everyone at our church. I had done many things i shouldn’t have, but they overlooked that, and poured out their love on me and on you.
Right before you came, your great grandma got sick. The day she went into the hospital I started having contractions. Then G-g got worse. I sat outside the ICU waiting to see her, praying God would let her live long enough to see you. I grew up with G-g, she took care of me when Nana N couldn’t. I wanted you to know her.
God answered that prayer. The day before you made your grand entrance they moved G-g to a regular room.
I would dream about everything being perfect. There is no perfect in birth. We reached a point where one or both of us could end up in distress and they sent me to surgery. The first time i heard you cry, i cried. I wanted to hold you but I couldn’t, i had to wait till they were sure i had the strength to hold you.
The first time the nurse put you in my arms was the greatest feeling in the world. I smelled your sweet baby scent, studied your face, counted your fingers and toes.
I was still afraid, afraid I didn’t know what I was doing, but fear didn’t matter. You were my baby, you were my life, and I would do anything for you.
Then we met daddy. No he’s not your daddy like he’s your brother’s daddy, but you are his princess. Blood does not dictate love and I can guarantee you he loves you just as much as I do. You were so pretty as a flower girl in our wedding. My favorite picture is of the three of us dancing because you felt the need to be a part of our first dance, and you should have been. It was our whole family together.
Now I watch you learn and grow, and I stand amazed. I am so proud of the little girl you’re becoming, and I pray you continue on this path. I see compassion in your heart, and empathy. I love to see you loving on your brother. You check on him, and kiss his forehead. You sing to him, and tell him stories. He smiles whenever you talk to him. I love to see how much you love your brother, and I can tell by the look on his face, he loves you too. I’m sure you two will fight with each other, but I also know you two will fight for each other.
Sweetheart, there are some things I want you never to forget.
1.) Mommy and Daddy love you — No matter what you do, you might disappoint us, but you will never do anything that will change our love for you… and so you know i’m sure we’ll disappoint you from time to time, no one is perfect.
2.) NO ONE IS PERFECT — don’t judge yourself and others too harshly. Mistakes happen. Learn from them, don’t beat yourself up over them. Like wise, your friend and family will mess as well, and though you may feel hurt or disappointed, don’t hold a grudge.
3.) Learn for forgive – holding a grudge does not hurt the person you’re mad at; it hurts you. Forgive, let go of the pain and live your life.
4.) Respect goes a long way- It is important to respect others, no matter who they are, treat them with respect. Also, respect yourself. Do not compromise your character for anyone or anything.
5.) Pray – prayer connects you to God and when you center your life on his will things are easier to handle. That is not to say that life gets easy. Life is still life. It is still a series of mountains and valleys. But with God in the center, the valleys don’t seem so intimidating.
6.) Hold on to your faith — you know that necklace I wear? The heart with the mustard seed in it. I wear it as a reminder of the importance of my faith. I don’t wear a cross, I shouldn’t need a cross around my neck to show the world the love of God that is in me. But I wear the mustard seed as a reminder to myself of what faith can do. Matthew 17:20 “And Jesus said, “o ye of little faith, do you not know if you faith even as small as a mustard seed you can say to the mountains ‘move from here to there’ and they will move. Nothing is impossible for you.””
7.)Laugh – see the humor in situations. never take yourself so seriously that you can have fun with the small slip ups. Never be so serious that you’re closed off to fun. This world can be a dark and scary place, but if you keep humor in your life you can be a light to the world.
8.) Be a friend — Be the sort of friend that you would wish your friends to be to you, even if they are not.
9.) Learn, Explore, Grow – Never stop learning, never stop asking questions. Curiosity may have killed the cat but it will open your world up to so many things it is unimaginable.
10.) Guard your Heart – Don’t let a boy treat you in a way your daddy never would. You are lady, you are not a game piece, you’re not a punching bag, nor are you his door mat. Any guy who does not treat you with respect is not the guy for you. You are a princess and should be treated as one. That said you are not a diva, as a lady your are to be humble, and loving.
11.) You can be proud and humble — You can take pride in who you are and what you do without being prideful. Approach everything with a humble attitude, but never belittle your efforts. Edison failed numerous times to create the incandescent light bulb. When asked about his “failures” he replied, “I did not fail, I found many ways that didn’t work, all i needed to do was find the one way that did”. Failure occurs when you stop trying, not when you miss the mark.
12.) Be Careful – Be careful about what you do. G-g gave me advice as a teenager that I have carried with me into adulthood. “Never do anything that you would be ashamed to tell your parents or pastor about.”
I love you, and I want to see you life soar before you. I want to be there when you marry. I want to be there when you become a mommy. I want you to be happy in all you choose in your life.
You are my princess, and you will always be my baby girl.